Cold open
FADE IN:
INT. GARAGE WORKSHOP. DECEMBER 1ST. NIGHT.
GARY stands at his workbench, sanding a board that was already smooth. The garage fridge hums. It holds six sodas and one jar nobody will claim.
BARB enters with a notepad. She has done this before.
BARB
What do you want for Christmas?
GARY
Nothing. Don’t get me anything.
(STUDIO AUDIENCE laughs. They have heard this before. So has Barb.)
This is their 38th annual debate. Barb is 37 and 0.
TYLER, 12, the grandson, wanders in with a bowl of cereal. He has seen this episode eleven times.
TYLER
You said that last year, Grandpa.
GARY
And I meant it.
TYLER
You got a leaf blower.
GARY
That was for the house.
Barb writes down something much longer than “nothing.”
SMASH CUT TO:
OPENING CREDITS. A saxophone plays for no reason.
Act one
INT. KITCHEN. THREE DAYS LATER. NIGHT.
Barb at the laptop, reading glasses pushed up on her head like a welder between jobs. Tyler reads over her shoulder.
TYLER
Is that Abraham Lincoln?
BARB
Playing an electric guitar.
TYLER
Grandma. The electric guitar showed up about seventy years after Lincoln.
BARB
We are not doing history tonight, Tyler.
On the screen, Lincoln sits in his vest and shirtsleeves, playing guitar with the face of a man who was just asked to take out the trash.
TYLER
That’s Grandpa’s face.
BARB
That’s Grandpa’s face.
Through the window, Gary plays air guitar on the leaf blower. He does not know he is in this scene.
TYLER
What size is he?
Barb opens THE DRAWER. Forty t-shirts. A 5K he walked. A company picnic, 1994. A hardware store grand opening. Not one was bought on purpose.
The tags say Large. Extra Large. One has been washed into a rumor.
Barb takes the tape measure off its hook and creeps toward the garage.
INT. GARAGE WORKSHOP. CONTINUOUS.
Gary turns around.
GARY
What’s that?
BARB
(tape measure behind her back)
Nothing.
GARY
Good. That’s what I want.
INT. KITCHEN. CONTINUOUS.
Barb returns, defeated. Tyler turns the laptop around.
TYLER
(reading)
“Gift-safe size swap. Orders placed October 5 to December 24 can swap sizes free until January 31.”
(looks up)
And he keeps the first shirt.
(STUDIO AUDIENCE: Ooooooh.)
The audience applauds. For a return policy.
TYLER
So if you guess wrong, he gets two shirts.
BARB
Don’t tell him. He’ll want me to guess wrong.
TYLER
It says over eighteen thousand of these have sold.
BARB
Eighteen thousand people heard “don’t get me anything” and didn’t listen.
(beat)
My people.
TYLER
Says it’s a lightweight tee.
BARB
Your grandfather wears shorts to get the mail in January.
She clicks. Somewhere, a shirt starts printing just for Gary. He senses nothing.
FADE OUT.
End of act one
